If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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