Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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