Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
