When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
