I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Well I just put wine in my tea
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize