I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
