We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
