So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
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she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
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I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Send help, water and tortillas.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend