Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.