just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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