Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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