3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize