Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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