My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
