I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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