I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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