My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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