I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
