All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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