11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Your dad touched me again.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
