You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
