Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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