also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
