He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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