My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
