do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
