yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
