sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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