I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
