I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
