Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
