i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My ass is underappreciated
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
