Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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