a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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