I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
