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saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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