Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone came in the potted fern
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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