I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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