im drinking this country out of the recession.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
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Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
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I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I would fuck him just for his dog
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize