ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
