I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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