Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
