There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
