I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
