I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
