I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
