I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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