wake up i wanna do it froggy style
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
that's an acceptable place to lick
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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