just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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