Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
