i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
