Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
