how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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